The hardest thing I’ve ever had to write

This post is without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. There’s no easy way to say this so I’m just going to go ahead and get it over with. I lost our baby.

Around Saturday September 7th I started spotting. It was super super light and I had no cramps or pain so I wasn’t worried about it. With Lily I spotted a bunch and everything worked out so like I said I wasn’t worried. The super light spotting continued, but since there was no pain I just kept waiting for my first pre-natal midwife appointment that week. I felt pregnant so I figured everything was fine. On Wednesday September 11th I went to the midwife and told Sarah what was going on. She said that it could very well be normal, but offered a ultrasound. A chance to see my baby, of course I wanted it.

Sarah couldn’t find a 9 week fetus so she asked another midwife who was more experienced to verify. Rachel found a yolk sack, and after verifying with me that I couldn’t be only 5 weeks along (no way) she gave me some options. I choose to have Sarah take some blood to test for pregnancy hormones and then I’d have more blood taken in 48 hours to test again.

Sarah called me Thursday to tell me that my blood HCG count was about 25000 and that was about 8 weeks along. This made me feel a little better. Friday morning my bleeding picked up a little and I went in and gave blood for my follow up. Sarah put a rush on it and called me Friday night to let me know that my levels had dropped by I think 10000. This confirmed my loss.

Over the last month my bleeding has mostly been light spotting with a few days of slightly heaver moments that didn’t last long. I still have had no pain. Last week I passed some tissue a few times, luckily that didn’t last very long.

Overall I can’t complain too much about how this has worked out. No pain, not a lot of bleeding, but I’m going to complain. I mean how can I not. This just kills me. I know that I didn’t do anything to cause this and there was nothing I could do to stop it, but occasionally my thoughts still wonder that way before I can stop them. Telling Lily was so hard, heck telling people in general is so hard. We do plan on trying again once my body and emotions and back on track. I’m pretty sure we aren’t going to tell people until we just can’t get away with not telling.

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